Wednesday, June 08, 2005, 3:53 AM
INSECURITY; PARANOIA
It's hard to talk about what really matters, so I just shy away from my emotions.Keep running.That's what I do best.It's easy to go through life on the defensive; But just like what myotherhalf said," Its better to love than to never loved at all" .So insecure; So paranoid; Didn't use to feel this way.Maybe cos when I was with Marc, I was pretty much his first girlfriend.No worries bout how his ex or past would affect him and his principles/made him the way he is.
Lately, things have been different.Sometimes, I wonder what the fcuk am I getting into. I didn't mean to be this fcuked up confused person I am.Neither did I ask to walk down this winding route. Didn't mean to get all tangled up in this web. Don't know what I'm doin or thinkin anymore. I see the problems lying there; mounting up.But I'm not addressing it. Or rather, I don't know how to deal with it.
We said go with the flow. But somehow, it turned out that we still hold expectations bout each other. Better still, VERY different expectations of one another. We both got our needs.Somehow, I don't feel we're fulfilling each other's. Our different lifestyles are really starting to show more into the relationship. Late at night, when I'm all alone and wide awake, I wished I could have someone to be there for me. Could you? All I'm ever asking for is not a lot. Just be there with me.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for any relationships right now? At this age, it might just be better to be just friends. Cos friendships last longer. I dunno whether I'll be able to handle another heartache.Too much insecurity and too much at stake. I can't afford it.Too disillusioned by everything around me.But yeah, I still wanna have fun.No qualms bout that.Damned.How can I have that?
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